Dude Mine is Bigger. She Said So.


It was late and pouring rain when the show was over.  It was the kind of rain that makes people, like me, who don’t like umbrellas, wish they had one. Unfortunately my car was parked several long blocks away. Unarmed I looked at my friends and said “You stay here, I’ll go get the car.” It sounds more valiant than it was because by then, I was way done with entertaining my date. As I saw it, my girlfriend was actually doing me a favor by keeping him company just to stay dry. So I made a run for it and that’s where the story begins…

It was dark and it seemed like I was alone with the tall buildings in downtown San Francisco. I figured nobody but me was dumb enough to be on the street with this kind of downpour. But then, as I rounded the corner in the not too far distance I could see two adorable guys walking under umbrellas (yes sometimes you can tell from behind if someone is adorable and their umbrellas added significantly to their charm—clearly these were two practical guys who knew how to plan ahead and they seemed like friends. note: I find men with friends who plan ahead adorable). How fortuitous!

Jogging toward them I had already decided –unless they really grossed me out and or were drunk– i was going to work my way under their shelter at least long enough to catch my breath. So when I reached them panting, drenched and thankful I don’t wear mascara, I said “can I walk with you for a minute?” The two of them smiled as if to say where the hell did she come from? and in unison they said “sure!”. Grateful, I squeezed right in under the first guy’s umbrella trying to be careful not to get him wet which was an impossibility given the circumstances.

As we walked along joking, it was like we were old pals who hadn’t seen each other in years. It seemed like the shared feeling between us was ”how’d we all get so lucky?” But right then at the height of pleasure that’s also precisely when it all came tumbling down because that’s when I noticed the size of the other guy’s umbrella. It was huge. You know the golf size? The kind that is completely absurd for anything, especially a city sidewalk. In this tsunami rain though I liked the looks of it. Truthfully I’d never been under one of those before and I wanted to try it out.

As cute as my new boyfriend was, it did seem as if we were maybe standing a little close for not knowing names. But I was worried about his feelings if I chose to leave him to be with his friend.  Was it right to change guys mid-block when the first had been so kind to me and agreed so readily to take me in? Would that make him feel bad?  Oh man this was tricky. Since there were several long city blocks to go yet, I had to make a decision fast.

I looked at him with concern and simply asked if he’d be offended if I moved over to be with his friend? He said “no worries.”…but I swear, I noticed a little frown as I moved over and I too felt kind of a twinge of sadness (or was it guilt? I’m not sure)…and I still can’t believe what I said next in hopes of making him feel better…I scrunched up brows with concern and said “It’s not personal. It’s just his is bigger”.

Almost while the words were rolling off my lips I knew it sounded wrong. Feeling the need to clarify I pointed up saying “I meant the umbrella” which of course made the whole thing worse. I mean really? You needed to add that you were talking about the umbrella?

Suddenly the rain was appealing. Without explaining anything to my new boyfriends, I bolted… hoping never to see them again. And as I ran away I could hear them laughing out loud and saying “Dude. She said mine is bigger!” and then “Yours so isn’t bigger and you know it!” then “Yes it is. She said so. ” I still can’t stop laughing about that night and meeting those two adorable guys under their umbrellas. We had so much fun for all of about three minutes.

Homework Disasters and Tantrums

“Can I help you?,” I asked during a homework scream storm, secretly hoping for a loud “NO!” but instead got a “Sure! fix this!” shot at me like a dare. Then she hurled her notebook across the room. Oh man! All her math vocabulary words that she was supposed to glue to the pages of her notebook… well the pages were now stuck together in one big sticky mess because of MY STUPID GLUE! LOL. Wait. So not funny. NIGHTMARE. So what do I do? I painstakingly separate all the pages and recopy the words page by page… for gluing with her glue stick not my Elmer’s glue, which obviously wasn’t the right glue for the job. Oh the things we moms do. Fortunately, for me, the copier is near the Patron. It’s all good. And I’m noticing while a line segment may be part of a line with two endpoints, a temper tantrum has three… A beginning, middle and an END.

Grey Hair

I’m testing the theory that if you pull one grey hair, three will grow back in its place. I hope it’s false because I just spent 20 minutes pulling grey hairs from my head.

Let’s face it, turning 40 along with the inevitable gray hairs, more cellulite, sagging boobs, wrinkles, bad sleep, back pain, teeth issues… sucks. I wonder if my best friend from childhood is turning grey too? She lives too far away now to discretely check.

It wasn’t until my hair stylist laughed when I suggested I was “starting” to get grey hairs… “Starting?!” he laughed and proceeded to cut 5 long ones and let them drop  on the black cape. “It’s just you can’t see them because of your natural color.” OK. I get it. Denial. I’m in denial.

I was thinking I could escape the greying shit. Never mind all my friends have grey hair & my ex-husband has grey hair. I just thought I didn’t … but upon closer inspection they are here… and they’re here in numbers!

Don’t get me wrong—grey hair can be lovely… on OTHER women and men… distinguished and sexy … just not me … not yet. You need to be comfortable in your skin to properly sport grey hair. You need to be wise and settled….like my grandmother was. You know, like Jane Goodall… not someone who is still confused about what she wants to be when she grows up.

Failing Memory

A failing memory (or let’s call it an overloaded brain) has some advantages. Like when you forget you bought a dark chocolate bar (caramel with black sea salt) and a week later you stumble upon it while looking for your keys (like I just did)–score! Then for at least the next five minutes you forget you were looking for your keys and then if you remember ‘oh yeah I was looking for my keys’, you completely forgot where you need to go and why finding your keys was so important in the first place… so, you sit back down at the computer and get to work again without wasting time going on that errand that wasn’t that important after all, right? Unless you were supposed to go pick up your kids? Hmm…Oh man where are the kids right now anyway? I can’t remember. HA! I’m kidding. Don’t worry. They’re in the oven and yes, I remembered to set the timer.