48 Hours Into it

Morning. Hey pretty U. Goodday dear. Hi. Beautiful :-). Hello. Hi dear. Hey you look so beautiful. Hi Ms. Hot Damn! Hello there! Hey Gorgeous! How about we chat?

My best (guy) friend said it would happen. He has been telling me to get going with the on-line dating thing for years. Annoyed with my insistence to stay with the familiar, he started begging me to stop obsessing about this one loser guy in particular I’d been seeing, and go find someone more deserving of my time. “You’re acting like you live on a Greek island in the 13th century with three men to choose from Julie. Will you just set up your on-line profile and start entertaining yourself with the emails that will come pouring in?” HAHAHA… pouring in? Yeah right! Screw you I thought. I’d rather be miserable.

But now, several years later, and just 48 hours into it…I’m laughing about his prediction and thinking, I should’ve listened to him when I was so upset with loser. Not that I’m finding anyone all that interesting to replace loser, but at least I feel somewhat less hopeless about the thought of dating. I mean there are so many fish (many of them oddballs, yes) in the internet sea and needless to say, if I can avoid getting depressed over it, I am, and will be, totally entertained by them.  Here’s a sampling of what I’ve received so far…

The first guy, apparently a nerdy cook, asks if I like accents? He tells me the most beautiful ladies are from Michigan. He’s Eastern Eurpoean, 27 and wants to buy me a drink… or if I don’t want to go out, he’ll happily come to my house and rub my feet.

There’s Angelo from Cuba who thinks I’m “stunning!!!” He’s tall, dark and does research in a lab. He’s 30. He says girls in his age group play a lot of games and bs and that older women tend to know what they want and are more open, adding that he’s a “huge little perv in bed (wink wink)”.

There’s the noname with the lovely torso but I’m not sure about his head (his only photo is without one)? He says he’s “in a sexless marriage looking for a like-minded playmate for his insatiable sensual side. Not looking for a long term love affair but not a one-nighter either. More of an on-going FWB sorta thing”. He says he’s doing this on-line thing on the “down low with no plans to fall in love. This is about nurturing his need for regular good sexual and passionate compassion.” I felt sad for him because well a sexless marriage is sad but I only wrote to say I wasn’t interested in such a silly arrangement. I suggested he consider a divorce. He liked my candor but said it would be a “terrible time to break up the family”. Well, hello Torso, is it ever a good time? And how do you think this plan of yours is going to help matters anyway? He has since deleted his profile. I found myself wondering if maybe his wife is dying? Oh god.

And there’s CasssanovaBeastieboyz with unusually broad shoulders and a freakishly skinny waist. His profile is a shot from behind without a shirt making him look like a cartoon. Curious but horrified, I didn’t read his profile. Both Beastie and a guy called Chris or Christen678 say they are “Speechless” after reading my profile… and in fact, they say nothing but that and “hello”.

There’s Todd who wants a little bit of my time to chat, but says nothing else and his profile is empty.

Daniel who goes by Ima_headaches says “a beautiful woman originally from the midwest, has kids and volunteers as an art teacher” makes me one of his favorites. Sadly his profile sucks.

Ross likes my green strappy sandals and wants to spoon under the blanket I knit by hand. (He’s actually the only winner on this list. Not that my bar is super low or anything, but I honestly liked that he noticed and mentioned liking my shoes. I also am partial to anyone who both notices my knitting and wants to spoon. Spoon. That’s so much more appropriate to say to someone you don’t know than some of the other things people say they want to do under my blankets. Take notes boys.)

Jackson, the estate lawyer, knew about how critical it is to massage raw kale in a salad which was impressive. Then he said he needed a knitted scarf and added a (hint hint) which was a turn off. Knitters don’t just knit for men, especially men they don’t know. Hello!? (boys take notes). I told him that and he said he’d trade a ditty about my grandmother’s love life or an updated will. I paused and considered an updated will but decided no. In his profile he says he likes to swear. I like to swear too, but he has a photo of himself eating ice cream with his daughter titled “don’t I look like gangster fuck?”and I don’t know call me a prude, but I didn’t really like that. I didn’t get it really.  Plus he looked at least 25 years older and much different than the first picture in which he looked like a young strapping Greek god with blue eyes. I took an average of those two shots (being generous as I should’ve probably just thrown out the first as a ploy to get women to even look at his profile), and I weighed the title with the little girl in the shot and decided I didn’t need to update my will or hear anything about my grandma’s love life… at least not that badly.

Then there’s the African American guy with a pink octopus hat who says “something feels dirty about summarizing myself, like if I do it too much I’ll go blind”. LOL. I actually loved his entire profile– if he were a standup comic…just not my date. Or maybe I can go back to him at some point? He was hilarious!

There’s the guy called areopresssvitamixx who likes my garbage cans, but then his profile was deleted.

There’s Edward who thinks we have a lot in common, being divorced and having two kids and all. He rambled something about his joint custody fish and said I’d look better without a hat.

There’s the crazy looking 65 year old man originally from Chicago who thinks, because I’m from from Detroit, we’d make a handsome couple.

There’s Longmanny in Calgary who can’t do without his bible and wants to talk.

There’s the guy from Texas and the one from Maryland… and several from New York.

There’s Shawn the doctor who said ” your genuinity makes your profile easy to read”. (Say that ten times real fast. LOL) He likes my knitting and would love to “know me”. Call me picky, but I just couldn’t get over the fact that he used the word genuinity in a sentence and didn’t put it in quotes. And you call yourself a doctor?

There’s Toby with an introduction (one he admitted in an immediate follow up message was idiotic) that said it looks like I mostly “knit, lie in a chaise lounge and kiss my dog”.  He wants to know where to sign up? and if he can be my dog? (At this point I wasn’t responding to losers so I just figured this one is going on my blog…)

There’s the guy from Sonoma in a light blue tux. He likes to sip red wine and play with his three boys. Sorry but more than zero kids and the Brady Bunch theme song starts playing in my head…you know the one… “There’s the story, of a man named Brady, Who was busy with three boys of his own, They were four men, living all together…” I can turn it down for up to two kids, especially if at least one is a girl, but then it’s hard to hear anything else plus, I sort of hate light blue tuxes (boys take notes).

There’s Lawrence who likes to be dominant and Sam who is submissive. Oy.

There’s John who is in a “very healthy happy marriage to his beautiful dream wife” and he’s looking for another. (Hello John, Are we in Utah?)

But seriously, I had no idea there were so many amazingly darling men out there who have traveled (random question: unless your a Brit doesn’t that word have one “l” or did I miss the memo?) the world, love to cook healthy meals (and do the dishes!), who love their mothers, have successful careers, enjoy living life to the fullest, play guitar, like to rub feet, enjoy long intimate emotion-filled conversations with their female partner, do yoga, fly airplanes, hang glide and ski and on top of all that they even list “sex” in the things they are good at. Yawn.

I hope this gets better because right now, boys, 48 hours into it…Detroit chick, she ain’t impressed.

(note: All true except I changed the names at least somewhat… though man there are some serious winner user names out there and I hated altering any of them. I bet some of these guys have no clue how good their user name is. LOL. Also, I feel compelled to say, in case anyone wonders, the referenced “loser”, who will never be named, is absolutely not my ex-husband. My ex-husband is not a loser.)


Dude Mine is Bigger. She Said So.


It was late and pouring rain when the show was over.  It was the kind of rain that makes people, like me, who don’t like umbrellas, wish they had one. Unfortunately my car was parked several long blocks away. Unarmed I looked at my friends and said “You stay here, I’ll go get the car.” It sounds more valiant than it was because by then, I was way done with entertaining my date. As I saw it, my girlfriend was actually doing me a favor by keeping him company just to stay dry. So I made a run for it and that’s where the story begins…

It was dark and it seemed like I was alone with the tall buildings in downtown San Francisco. I figured nobody but me was dumb enough to be on the street with this kind of downpour. But then, as I rounded the corner in the not too far distance I could see two adorable guys walking under umbrellas (yes sometimes you can tell from behind if someone is adorable and their umbrellas added significantly to their charm—clearly these were two practical guys who knew how to plan ahead and they seemed like friends. note: I find men with friends who plan ahead adorable). How fortuitous!

Jogging toward them I had already decided –unless they really grossed me out and or were drunk– i was going to work my way under their shelter at least long enough to catch my breath. So when I reached them panting, drenched and thankful I don’t wear mascara, I said “can I walk with you for a minute?” The two of them smiled as if to say where the hell did she come from? and in unison they said “sure!”. Grateful, I squeezed right in under the first guy’s umbrella trying to be careful not to get him wet which was an impossibility given the circumstances.

As we walked along joking, it was like we were old pals who hadn’t seen each other in years. It seemed like the shared feeling between us was ”how’d we all get so lucky?” But right then at the height of pleasure that’s also precisely when it all came tumbling down because that’s when I noticed the size of the other guy’s umbrella. It was huge. You know the golf size? The kind that is completely absurd for anything, especially a city sidewalk. In this tsunami rain though I liked the looks of it. Truthfully I’d never been under one of those before and I wanted to try it out.

As cute as my new boyfriend was, it did seem as if we were maybe standing a little close for not knowing names. But I was worried about his feelings if I chose to leave him to be with his friend.  Was it right to change guys mid-block when the first had been so kind to me and agreed so readily to take me in? Would that make him feel bad?  Oh man this was tricky. Since there were several long city blocks to go yet, I had to make a decision fast.

I looked at him with concern and simply asked if he’d be offended if I moved over to be with his friend? He said “no worries.”…but I swear, I noticed a little frown as I moved over and I too felt kind of a twinge of sadness (or was it guilt? I’m not sure)…and I still can’t believe what I said next in hopes of making him feel better…I scrunched up brows with concern and said “It’s not personal. It’s just his is bigger”.

Almost while the words were rolling off my lips I knew it sounded wrong. Feeling the need to clarify I pointed up saying “I meant the umbrella” which of course made the whole thing worse. I mean really? You needed to add that you were talking about the umbrella?

Suddenly the rain was appealing. Without explaining anything to my new boyfriends, I bolted… hoping never to see them again. And as I ran away I could hear them laughing out loud and saying “Dude. She said mine is bigger!” and then “Yours so isn’t bigger and you know it!” then “Yes it is. She said so. ” I still can’t stop laughing about that night and meeting those two adorable guys under their umbrellas. We had so much fun for all of about three minutes.