People ask me a lot of questions about parenting. Probably because I’m in the child development field they think I might know something about the topic, but also my kids tend to behave well in public, which is something, especially since they do not necessarily do so at home.  I’m reluctant to give advice though because I know there aren’t silver bullet answers to parenting questions. Parenting is an individual process and more often than not, the best answer is “it depends”. That being said, I do have exactly one piece of universal parenting advice I love to share and I wish more people would follow it. I can’t remember when I learned it. It might have been at the co-op nursery school with my own kids, but whenever it was, it wasn’t soon enough. The advice is to leave while you’re happy.

That seems easy enough, right? Leave while you’re happy. Well, once you start paying attention to this concept– at restaurants, at parties, at parks, at the mall — you’ll notice people rarely leave while they’re happy, especially with young children. I suppose that’s because, if you’re happy, why on earth would you think to leave? Well trust me, you should.

Maybe a better way to say this is… don’t wait until you’re certain you aren’t happy to leave, because by then (and we’ve all experienced this ourselves or have observed it happen with other people) you’re probably looking at a full-on temper tantrum disaster which makes everything harder if not nearly impossible, like buckling a kid in a car seat or stroller. By the time a baby or toddler (or any age person really) is unhappy and screaming bloody murder, it’s just proof you’ve waited too long to leave…you didn’t leave while you were happy.

It might be helpful to think about this in terms of adult relationships as it translates fairly well. Here’s an example from my work life. Instead of leaving a job in which I was still fairly happy but had completely outgrown, I stayed and stayed and stayed, until I was completely certain I wasn’t happy. In fact, I was so unhappy I would come home at night and cry about the way my coworker typed (she used two fingers and typed super loud– it probably would make anybody cry at some point). But clearly, I was miserable and needed to leave that job a long time before I was bothered by something as small as the way someone typed. It’s when little things that once were cute or would otherwise go completely unnoticed (in a baby’s view perhaps it’s grandma tickling their toes or being buckled into a car seat) drive you to tears, it’s likely you’ve stayed too long. Maybe it’s the way someone sips their coffee in the morning or the way they whistle to themselves while they putter in the garage… Or the way they chew. It might be those tiny little things bug you simply because you didn’t leave while you were happy (and/or you probably need to take a nap). It’s kind of like my other favorite saying…stop while you’re ahead.

Yeah, so anyway, that’s my only real parenting advice… leave while you’re happy, because waiting until you’re certain you’re not happy and you’re crying over the small stuff, it means you’ve most likely waited too long.

I thought my daughter was wasting time on my phone this morning when I needed her to eat the waffles I made and get ready for school…but when she explained what was distracting her (the maple syrup she spilled had dropped in perfect, tiny balls all in one line on the table cloth) and what she needed to do (photograph them using my phone) before she could eat, I realized in fact she was right. She did need to do that first and then eat.

“If you end up with a boring miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on television telling you how to do your shit, then you deserve it.” _ Frank Zappa

This quote makes me laugh (and cringe) at myself a bit today. Yesterday, as my son was heading off to shadow at School of the Arts (a public high school which he hopes to attend for technical theater), I called out to him to remember to take his beanie off before getting there. “Take my beanie off?”, he yelled back to me in complete confusion. Then he asked “Why?” and I said “Just because!”. The truth is I had no good reason to say that, other than it was drilled into me as a child, in the Detroit Public schools, you take your hat off in school. In fact, I have a horrifying memory of my best friend having her hat yanked off her head by the principal and thrown across the hallway (but I digress).  I knew instantly my comment was purely an automatic, totally meaningless, knee-jerk of a comment triggered from my own memories of being told how to do my shit… a desperate cry as a mom to tell her kid how to do his shit, so she looks good. He ran off to catch his carpool wearing his beanie (probably thinking ‘yep, she’s crazy’).

When I got to the school to pick him up later in the day, I noticed he’d listened to me (or maybe the hot weather got to him?). He took off his beanie, but I also noticed at least half, if not more, of the kids were wearing theirs. I felt like such an idiot having mentioned his beanie. I know better than that.

I’m so proud of my guy. I don’t know if he’ll get into this school (he did- yay!) but I know he is off to really exciting wonderful things in his life, partly because he has listened to me over the years sure, but partly because I’ve (mostly) allowed him to listen to himself and I’ve made a point of letting him make his own choices about his likes and dislikes. I won’t beat myself up over the beanie comment, but I’m glad I’m aware I made it and how meaningless it was.

Age 13 is a critical time of self expression and I must let him listen to himself– particularly in choices of what to wear on his head! I mean really, if an art school in the Bay Area can’t handle beanies, then what kind of art school is it anyway? And why would I want my son to go there?

I’m looking forward to talking with my son about this and what triggered my beanie comment. One thing I’ve come to realize about parenting is that it’s a process. Sometimes it means you have to circle back to things you wish you didn’t do or say and think about how you might do or say them differently next time.