I’ve tracked it on my calendar for years. It’s always about 28-30 days, give or take a few. Still every month, the same events seem to surprise me: around day 23 or so I wonder why I feel so bloated? and why as the days of this week pass I seem to be more and more disgusted by the sight of my body in the mirror when only a few days ago I wasn’t so much? I have to force myself to move, take a brisk walk, go to yoga. On the last day of this week, around day 26 or 27, I cry for an entire day (or more) without understanding why I’m crying? Ultimately I get a throbbing headache, dehydrated from all the crying (note to self: drink more water) and then the intense craving for sugar hits. I’m convinced I need marshmallows, ice cream, chocolate sauce and gummy bears. Sometimes I think about eating them all together in one big bowl. If it’s bad enough I actually drive to a store in the dark and get them just to silence it (yes, even though I know better. I’ve read everything about how that’s exactly what I should not eat at this time). I take two Aleve and go to bed.
In the morning I wake up wet, soaked in blood. I hold myself to avoid dripping on my way to the bathroom where there are no feminine products left from the previous month. I sit on the toilet and clean up as much as I can while I contemplate what do to next. Calling out to my kids for help at 5am seems dramatic. Instead I think about whether or not there are any tampons hiding out from last month? I hold myself, with toilet paper this time, and go to the closets to search. I search all my bags and pockets. If I’m lucky I find one lonely one in a jacket and if I’m not so lucky, I make a pad out of paper towel (grateful at least I have that) and hope for the best.
I dress, make sure my homemade pad is secure and not too obvious. I head to Walgreen’s and buy one box of O.B.s, thankful I’m not out camping in the woods or that I don’t live in a remote village without such luxuries. While I’m in line, I consider the possibility of renewing my Costco membership so I can at least buy a bigger box for $10 or perhaps start shopping on-line with monthly deliveries? I decide to get right on that…but I never do. As Dr. Phil might say, something about this routine obviously works for me.
Then the cramps start, but at least I respond well to Aleve (somehow I manage to keep that on hand) and I also don’t hate seeing myself in the mirror anymore. In fact I wonder why I even thought I did? Was that the same me? I go back to laughing again and craving things like raw kale salad and protein and yoga until it all starts again with the cycle of the moon.
hadn’t realized HOW much younger you were until I read this- haven’t had those cycles in quite a while…correction- haven’t had the bleeding, cuz now that I think of it the mental and emotional cycles stayed strong.
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I’m probably not THAT much younger than you Chris. I’m 46.
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Julie, did you ever have a teacher, who, on the first day back in school had the class write a composition on: What I Did On My Summer Vacation ?
My fantasy is that a teenaged Julie wrote about her period. I hold a picture of that in my head and just keep smiling…
Awesome
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that’s very funny… never did write one of those essays about summer vacation …but at 14 when I started mine, I would’ve loved a teacher who thought it was a) an appropriate topic to write about and b) with whom I felt safe enough to write about it.
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…in your dreams…
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yes. in my dreams :).
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